Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
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GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Science memes
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT