My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
You Might Also Like
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I found your tweet-up…
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
When ur friends with white people
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital