Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
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(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?