explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
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My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
“our sushi is very fresh”
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?