[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
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My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
nice challenge
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first