sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
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Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”