*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
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[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?