Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
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I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”