Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
You Might Also Like
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread