boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
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Lil Brain – Out of Leads
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious