after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
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I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack