boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
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As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.