Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
You Might Also Like
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
My kid鈥檚 teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it鈥檒l be a lot easier if we text you when we鈥檙e going to be on time
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i鈥檓 gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it鈥檚 super green. I think she鈥檒l like it.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth鈥kay read it back
Mary: this down
I have questions??
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[Texting]
My Brother: Here鈥檚 pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here鈥檚 pictures of my second breakfast
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
awkward
Literally! 馃ぃ #dogs
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That鈥檚 not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you鈥檇 know that
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”