My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
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“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.