Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
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Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you