Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
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Cashiers are always checking me out
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Realize this:
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.