SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
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This is why I don’t delete Facebook
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
The happy life.. 😊
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Lmao
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
My favorite type of men is ramen.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry