british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
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My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*