Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
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9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.