The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
You Might Also Like
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
No. YOU-buprofen.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.