*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
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my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”