people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
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I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.