the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
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under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.