Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
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My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.