Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
You Might Also Like
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
yea so i messed up lol
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Me irl
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags