When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
lol
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.