If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
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Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
It do be feeling this way.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
So creative 😂
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.