I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
You Might Also Like
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
mariah carrie
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
good morning
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.