I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
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I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.