you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
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One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.