“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
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[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else