Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
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god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.