The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
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Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?