GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
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*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
#parenting
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.