[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
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A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.