Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
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SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food