Stooooppp!!! 馃槀馃槀
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Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I deleted all my dating apps and I鈥檓 planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
My daughter just told me I鈥檓 giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I鈥檓 finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid鈥檚 favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Anyone: what鈥檚 your favorite color?
Me: cheese
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage