Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
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Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.