Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
You Might Also Like
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.