[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
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Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
he’s doing your taxes
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?