Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
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“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Happy Thanksgiving
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Bro what is this
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.