I forgot how to panic. Help
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Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
huge if true: the moon
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Sooo many times…..
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.