I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
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The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Why is everyone getting married at me
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”