If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
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Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
This has made my week.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Noah
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day