Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
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If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Who.
Did.
This?
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.