Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
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have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
The happy life.. 😊
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti