The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
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One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
He took my last fry, your honor
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?