The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Bed should get ready for ME
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.