Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
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*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
This kid will have a bright future.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”