When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
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Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I identify as an antique shop.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”